Is this?
Linkin Park - Somewhere I belong
Is it madness, or just my painted reality?
Is it my inner child sewing chaos out of insecurity, or something we've tired of taking
Is it the inner critic screaming all of the things that have been said to me, or is it my own worst inner critic
It feels like I've been here before, again and again and I am tired of being here.
But how do we discern what is real and what is of our mind, of our experience.
How do we tell ourselves this isn't what we've experienced before, without even knowing for sure.
If we control nothing as I've so harshly learned, we've got to be fools to think we can tell the future.
More questions than answers, more chaos when only peace was sought.
This existence feels cold, numb, emotionless. All of the things I've never liked about myself, but maybe this is the Shadow integrating itself. I didn't want to arrive here, but maybe it's exactly where I need to sit. Uncertain, unclear and immobile out of the thought loop, searching to find joy in something.
Is it my inner child that only wants to be heard and like he has an opinion.
Is it my inner child that wants only to feel respected, like he was trained to respect everyone?
Is it my inner child that sees the selfishness around me and is all consumed with that self-centeredness because we would have never been that way.
Is it the mother wound of wanting to be loved?
Is it the father wound of anger and control; and it feels like chaos when things seem out of control.
Is it all of a fabrication of something I survived or is it something to be called boundaries and respect.
Some days I miss the deployment, the only objective of the day "Don't Fucking Die," if only it was still that simple. Maybe that's what we resort ourselves to, that being the barrier of "acceptable," but that too feels like a fool's aspiration.
This caged dog is getting hard to manage and he needs to be let out. Begrudgingly we forge on, existing out of spite; existing for the plot line because everything we feared, already happened.
Stuck between Linkin Park - Numb and Slipknot - All Hope is Gone; but one step forward is something.