Comfort in Misery
Buffalo Traffic Jam - Comfort in Misery
'Pride and Lies'
As I sit here silently drinking my mineral water. It feels different, a heavy sadness but not for good or bad. I'm trying to not assign those labels, because what feels bad now might serve us as a blessing later.
Six weeks is coming to a clos, two longer than any other of this kind. I don't know what I am, numb to it, grateful for the container I've built, confusion for what is and the why now? But all that led me to "I don't have to understand the why?, to appreciate the return whenever they may. A cold, unexpected callous session with my inner child teaching us to expect nothing or you'll find a surprise you never wished for.
The dark thought came back, if I was to how? What would it look like, fucking FEEL IT, the FULL Weight. Visualize the firearm, which one, where, what songs are you listening to. Visualize the note. Write the words, if your head delves here we don't tread lightly into the dark. Baptize me in the fury of this inner child's pain, wash me clean with the smoke of the rooms he endured, FEEL the weight of the angst and frustration from the teen that wanted to be heard and free. Then tell them all, now isn't the time. Now is the time for strength and healing.
But my head isn't stuck there, the negative feedback loop ceases, the spiral isn't it's just a thought we sit with it and let it go. I don't know if I'm doing this healing, existing, dad notion or even partner to my wife correctly, but it hurts less. My venom stings less. But the weight of the costs of yesterday still weighs heavy.
Learning to forgive the parts of me that I couldn't save soon enough. Healing isn't linear, healing isn't pretty, and healing isn't a la carte off the menu of this existence. Healing is making peace with the Whole of the Human even when remaining in this existence feels like torture.